Advanced Magistics Spectrometer

“We’ve all been there. Mysterious unlabeled potion found on a deceased kobold, couple of experimental quaffs later and you’re curled up naked in the fetal position begging the bullfrog king to stop singing the Song of a Thousand Needles.

“By using advanced magistics spectrometry this unfortunate situation can be avoided entirely. Our breakthrough was in contracting the detection portion of the process to the Terrene, a Dwarven race of Faery creatures who are skilled miners of the very small.

“So you start by pouring a potion in this tube here. Then it gets broken down and examined by the Terrene. What do you see in there Mr Felspar?”

“Agcht, that chunk of sodium almost busted me stones! Stay lively men! Right, so the trace minrals we’re seeing could only come from up in the Killpeak mountains, or I’ll be a dancin fae boy toy. Gold in them streams they say, tho nones goin home rich today with this slag.”

“So is there anything aside from mountain water..?”

“Oh aye there’s malicog, doesn’t take a biotinist tae tell yew to stay way from that one. It’s called crazy crystals fer a reason. The kicker is the potency spell laced into it, nasty piece of work that. Probably grind yer marbles into dust.”

Harsh whispers spread through the gathered crowd and the students began to fidget nervously, fearing from the scowling and cursed oaths that their public speaking nightmares had come true. At this point Prof Turing, who had provided the sample for the demonstration, asked whether the effects of malicog could be cured or reversed.

The tinny voice from the box replied, “I’m no zooligist, y’hear? Our biotinies are completely different, we don worry about poisons for one. But even we don’t touch crystal, can drive a man to suicide before it finally wears off. Nothing to be done but strap ‘im down and feed ‘im mama’s badger root soup.”

This last statement was like a burst of chain lightning through the crowd. Other teachers began to ask the increasingly flustered Mr Felspar all about his mother’s badger root, while Turing himself broke into a run towards the school infirmary.

Advanced Magistics Spectrometer

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